A Stronger Woman in Me

Sad

2008-06-14T10:55:00.002-04:00

Depression hitting me hard despite antidepressants.

Got this in an email from my husband:
You want the truth? I don't want to be your husband anymore, I don't believe it is salvagable.

Any really no contact since then. This coupled with his new "friend" pretty much tells me all I need to know.
The confusing thing is, the night before he wrote this email he had called me twice to go on and on about how much he loves me deep down to his soul, and he wishes I could feel just how much, how beautiful I am to him, even after 14 years together he still isn't attracted to anyone like he is to me. Then he called at 11:30 at night to ask if he could come sleep with me, just sleep all curled up around me.
And then the next night, the email. I just don't get it.

So, anyway, reality is hitting hard and I just want to stay in bed zoned out on sleeping pills. However these kiddos of mine aren't having any of that. So, I'm forcing myself to take care of the everyday things. They all leave for 5 days at camp on Monday so I can have my nervous breakdown then.

But until Monday morning, I need to majorly clean the house, get all of these kids packed up, ect.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this, despite it all, I still love him so very much. I've lost my best friend, my whole world.

Please God

2008-06-07T23:45:00.000-04:00

Help me get hired into a nursing job this week.

In better late than never news....

2008-06-07T23:05:00.000-04:00

My youngest daughter, A, turned 11. It's so true, time flies!
Happy Birthday, A! I love you!

My baby graduated!

2008-06-07T22:41:00.001-04:00

My four girls

How is that possible? Wow.
Graduated with Honors, thankyouverymuch.
I am sooooo proud of her. She's a really neat kid. Smart, funny & talented!
So, she'll be off to college soon, thankfully not far from home.
Here's to a bright and shiny future!
I love you, K!

My mom came from NY and my brother came from IN, was so nice to see them

And this is so typical!

After a While

2008-06-04T20:59:00.000-04:00

After A While
(alternate title - Comes the Dawn)

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul,
and you learn that
love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security,
and you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises,
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head high
with the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child,
and you learn to build all of your roads
on today because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of
falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that
even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that
you really can endure...
That you really do have worth.
And you learn and you learn...
With every goodbye you learn.
by Veronica A. Shoffstall
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of my all-time favorite poems, little did I know about 23 years ago when I first stumbled upon it what meaning it would come to have in my life.

I graduated!

2008-06-04T19:20:00.000-04:00

My friend Amanda and I (l-r) at our college graduation

We are nurses! And it only took us 4 years (and $40,000 in loans) to get an 18-month degree (read the fine print in the 18-month degree brochure - 18 months AFTER two or more years of prereq clases!)
And we don't really feel that much smarter, but hey, if they say were nurses, then by-golly, we're nurses! Who are we to question the GREAT EDUCATION AUTHORITY? (if you knew us, you'd know that was FUNNY!)

We still have to pass the NCLEX (the national nursing licensure exam - its a killer!)- her in June, me in July though. Then we'll be able to get really stressfu jobs where peoples lives are in our hands, so we'll have a little bit of money to pay back the $40,000 in loans. Ain't life grand?!

Anybody need a shot? Staples removed? Wound debrided?

In time

2008-05-25T23:17:00.000-04:00

In time I hope I can say this:

"I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" - Joyce Meyer

My anthem

2008-05-25T23:00:00.000-04:00

Stronger Woman - by Jewel
Youtube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EPyWfrqwXc

Lyrics:
Jewel - Stronger Woman Lyrics

I guess you could say I'm one of those girls
That's always been with one of those guys
You know the type
Like right now, he sleeps while I write
But it's better than crying
I'm worn out from trying
From loving a man who always makes it clear
I'm not welcome here
Just till he's horny and hungry
or needs something cleaned
And you know what I mean

But not tonight
'Cause come the morning light, oh
I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
The stronger woman in me

I'm going to be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no,
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me

Light bulbs buzz,
I get up
And head to my drawer
I wish there was more
I could say
Another fairytale fades to gray
I've lived on hope
Just like a child
Walking that mile
Faking that smile
All the while
Wishing my heart had wings

Well tonight, I'm going to be
The kind of woman I'd want my daughter to be, oh

I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
There's a stronger woman in me
I'm gonna be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
I won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman

This is me, packing up my bags
And this is me, headed for the door
And this is me, the best you ever had
I'm going to love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me even if someone cannot see
There's a stronger woman in me
I'm going to be my own best friend
Stay with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman
A stronger woman
There's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me,

Trying to find that stronger woman in me

2008-05-25T22:49:00.000-04:00

First post here!

I'm a Christian, 30-something woman with 4 great daughters who just found out her alcoholic, drug using husband of 14 years has cheated on me two nights ago.
I confronted him and told him it was over.
Now I have to find the stronger woman in me to get me and my children through this and out the other side in good shape.
It's difficult for me because I was totally financially dependent on him.
Now we'll have our water and electric turned off Tuesday morning and I'm getting evicted in 7 days. I just graduated from nursing school, so my financial future looks okay, if I can get through these tough days ahead.
I dont have any family in the state and they cant help financially anyhow.
I am all alone with my girls and have no idea what is going to happen to us.

BUT I have FAITH that we'll be okay somehow.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:10-12

So, anyhow, these will be my thoughts as I struggle through the land of the locusts, as I try and heal my shattered heart, my childrens hearts and find my way to higher ground as a newly single mom doing it all alone with no help.